A Decision

We've been debating about it for over a year, but I think we finally came to a decision today. We are going to start looking for a different house after the adoption is over. And when Moses is emotionally-settled enough to make the transition, I think we will go for it.

It's been a tough choice because we love our home. It's private, well-made, and artsy. It makes me happy every time I pull in the driveway. It's my refuge.

We've lived here almost seven years, so I know this place like the back of my hand. It just suits me. Every square inch of it. I never leave more expensive homes wishing for any more than what I have waiting for me right here. I am utterly content.

But as wonderful as it is, this place is still just a shadow of something to come.

You know, when I look at my heart with total honesty, it's crazy to admit the bond I've developed with something so temporal. I have come to believe that this house defines and protects me somehow.

Over the years, I've met a handful of beautiful people who move intentionally into public places to share the love of Jesus. I admire that so much! I want to be more like them, but I'm pretty sure that if I were with people 24/7, it would make more folks run away from faith than toward it. I'm social wasabi, better in small doses.

However, I can think about the house choice as a stewardship issue. There are some days I spend 2-3 hours in the car driving back and forth. Tons of time. Tons of gas money. And even though we don't think any one type of school is best (homeschool, public or private), we still continue to feel like our kids are supposed to be at this school for this season of their lives.

Second factor? We need to simplify. We cannot continue to invest this much of our time and resources in a couple of walls, a roof, and a floor when kids need families. Watching _The Boy in The Striped Pajamas_ changed something for me. As I saw those parents do whatever it took to maintain the illusion of comfort and safety for their children, I realized that I was doing the same thing. Preening and tweaking while the scent of human prison camps floats through our imaginary world.

If there's a home that would require less from us, what would that free us to do instead? I realize now that question can be answered with the currency of human lives. Somehow that clarifies a lot.

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The Checklist

Well, I checked some bubbles. But I think we’re going to have to redo it.

Part of the special needs adoption process involves a long checklist with different physical and mental issues. Prospective parents must read through that list and decide yes, no, or maybe.

How do you look at a page full of special needs and decide which conditions you would accept in your child? There’s a huge part of me that wants to just check, “YES,” on all of them, even though some of them frighten me.

I’m fairly comfortable with ASD or VSD, because our birth daughter had an ASD. And I’m comfortable with club foot, because my husband had one. I’m comfortable with cleft lip and palate, because my niece had that.” I also have a dear friend who has a missing finger, another with spina bifida, and on... and on... and on...

What it comes down to is, I COULD love any child on that checklist.

After agonizing for quite a while, I read something online that was helpful. It said to think about which special needs your family could care for best. And it hit me that if we signed up for a child with extreme, long-term needs, our attempts at “love” might prevent someone with better resources from caring for her.

So, I’ll have to think some more. And pray. And ask God which needs we can meet in light of our boundaries. Please pray that we’ll have wisdom there.

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