adoption is too hard (part 2)

Yesterday I wrote about some of the common physical barriers to adoption. Today I’d like to write about common emotional and spiritual barriers families face.

When we first began to pursue adoption, resistance from the Christian community was the very last thing I expected. Every Christian has been adopted by God, so our obedience to this pattern of love seemed like an obvious default. Also, Scripture is quite clear that we are supposed to care for widows and orphans.

A few months into our process, however, I was baffled to hear Christian leaders voicing strong warnings. And I was even more disturbed to learn that there are Christian groups who target parents considering adoption and try to discourage them from it. Those murmurings were confirmed the night I spent an hour on the phone, listening to an older spiritual leader trying to help me understand how dangerous adoption could be.

My husband is a pastor, and occasionally we will encounter quirky criticisms wrapped in theological-sounding packages. So, I was able to hang up the phone and think, “Wow. That poor guy just doesn't get it.” However, I can’t imagine how intimidating this sort of conversation would have been to a young Christian, or to someone who is easily discouraged from a challenge. That's why I'm writing this post today. If you've faced these criticisms while considering adoption, I want you to know you aren't alone. And I'd like to walk through the discouragement and harshness of this resistance with you.

This note will be split into two parts. First, I’d like to address some potentially-legitimate concerns that are being discussed in the Christian community. These are questions that a family might want to consider before pursuing an adoption. Secondly, I'd like to address some unhealthy teaching about adoption that I have encountered as we have pursued our son.

If you have already adopted, you may recognize some of the questions I list in the first section from your home study. A ‘home study’ is a long and involved process that is required for domestic and international adoption. During this study, the family dynamic is evaluated extensively to explore whether the adoptive dynamic will be a good fit. Home study-type questions can be used for healthy evaluation, exposing problem areas before a needy child enters the scene. They can also be used poorly, to intimidate and discourage unnecessarily.

When you are in the middle of an emotionally-challenging process like adoption, it can be really hard to tell if advice is good or bad. Most parents are scared and overwhelmed, and they don't want to make a life-long mistake. So, what should parents do with their doubts and the solutions they are offered for them?

As we have moved through our adoption, one helpful method of discerning the difference between helpful and unhelpful adoption advice has been listening for the tone in which questions are presented. It’s one thing for a friend, pastor, or social worker to lovingly bring potential issues to the light so that families can explore them prayerfully and responsibly. It is another thing if someone speaks to you in hushed, negative tones with feigned authority. Do they make you feel ashamed or foolish? Are you picking up an underlying tone of suspicion and fear? If so, the speaker’s motive might be persuasion instead of truth.

Listed below are a few common questions that might arise in your home study. It would be wise to think and pray through them. But you don’t have to feel shame or fear as you sort through them. Just be honest in prayer with each one, and God will move your heart and show you what to do.

SOME POTENTIALLY-LEGITIMATE CONCERNS

1. Is the parent entering adoption as a consumer or as a giver? Is the parent attempting to ‘buy/use’ a child like a ‘product’ to fulfill some sort of selfish desire?

2. Is the adoption ‘plan-B’ for a couple who would really prefer a biological child? Will the parents be carrying deep disappointment into the adoption?

3. Is the parent pursuing a ‘prestige-centered’ or a flesh-centered ideal? Is he/she trying to gain public admiration by doing something expensive or difficult?

4. Is the parent pursuing adoption lightly, trying to do a ‘good deed,’ but without thinking through potential consequences?

5. How might birth order, gender, and temperament of existing children affect an adoption?

6. Have the parents thought through risks that adoptive children might bring into the family dynamic? (personality differences, fetal alcohol syndrome, damage due to parental drug use, reactive attachment disorder, spiritual baggage, mental disease etc.)

7. Might the age/gender of the adopted child cause unhealthy tension/competition with existing members of the family?

8. Has God given the parents the capacity to love an adoptive child fully as they would a birth child - or do barriers and prejudices exist?


Potentially-adoptive families are wise to prayerfully, realistically explore these questions. However, keep in mind that many of these questions transfer to biological families as well.

You have probably seen parents who attempt to use biological children to fulfill their own needs. And you may know parents facing an unexpected pregnancy who consider it ‘Plan B.’ There are parents who pursue either massive families OR tiny families to meet some sort of cultural ideal. There are biological fathers and mothers who selfishly try to gain admiration through performance parenting. Sometimes a marriage in trauma will use pregnancy to try and heal deep, destructive husband/wife tension. Sometimes desperate parents will pursue biological children through medical procedures that disrespect life. Sometimes teenage girls will get pregnant intentionally-- in the hopes of gaining a sense of home through their newborn child. And every single one of us is born into spiritual baggage that affects those we love.

So, whether we are discussing adoptive families or biological families, whenever an adult moves into parenthood with a motive of insecurity, performance, or consumption instead of faith, humility, and worship, their sin will affect others. It’s so sad that someone as vulnerable as a child could be used for selfish gain. But it happens in many families, adoptive or biological.

In the second part of this note, I’d like to address some popular inaccuracies that I am finding on adoption. I want to make it clear that my tone here is compassionate, not harsh. In fact, I had a few of these same concerns a decade ago when we first began to explore adoption. Maybe our rocky process, and God's movement through selfish hearts, will help others gain some clarity?

SOME IFFY TEACHING

1.) “The biological child (the fruit of a marriage union) is more sacred somehow.”

Particularly in our area of the country, reverence for the ‘womb’ of a wife has become almost a religion in itself. A certain degree of reverence is healthy – a hearty swing away from secular, utilitarian views on procreation. There is something very holy and beautiful about the mystery of marital conception. Couples who arrogantly refuse God’s mastery over their fertility are missing out on the fullest joys of communion with Him.

However, this doesn’t mean that a biological child is more sacred. If this were true, then our own salvation would be secondary. We were each adopted into the kingdom of God. He made us His sons. It was not something we inherited, deserved, or can claim, apart from the purchase of Christ on our behalf. Because of our adoption alone, we are dearly embraced by the God who died to embrace us.

A healthy understanding of God’s sovereignty also prevents distinction between biological and adopted children. Many adoptive parents who followed God into adoption will tell you that God clearly chose THIS child for their family. God’s involvement in this match has been confirmed to them in a thousand ways. They know they were meant to be together. But this mystery is something casual observers cannot often understand.

Watching adoptive families receive the brunt of this criticism makes me empathize for Mary and Joseph even more. I can now imagine Jesus' earthly parents explaining, “But the Sovereign God of the Universe decided to put our family together in a different way!” And the casual observers didn’t ‘get it’ then, either.

When God moves through non-traditional means, it’s normal for misunderstanding to happen. And it’s especially normal for religious people to misunderstand. What a great opportunity, though, to lovingly move into the confusion! God often provides a special communion with Himself that tends to carry us through lonely times like this.

2.) “The adopted child is tainted by generational sin.”

This is an understandable concern. Regardless of your theology on inherited sin, you know that orphaned children are sometimes abused in the womb through alcohol or drugs. They can enter the world undefended, often facing abuse that wounds their infant souls. Also, their parents might have suffered from a mental disorder or a genetic propensity toward a certain weakness. In so many ways, the enemy of our souls is prowling around these children, eager to destroy the image of God beaming forth from them.

So when you step into this realm, you are stepping into a spiritual arena. I’m starting to see how likely it is that adoptive families will face challenges similar to what missionaries on the field encounter. It can be hard. It can be painful. But what is our alternative? To politely excuse ourselves because it’s not always easy? Are we to look away while 147 million souls slide into eternity without exposure to Christ’s embrace?

Last year I read something on an adoption message board that has permanently changed my thinking. Some parents had taken the medical records of an orphan to the pediatrician for evaluation, trying to find out what the “worst case scenario” would be if they adopted that child. The pediatrician called them out. He said, “The worst case scenario is for that child to stay in the orphanage!” The same is true spiritually.

Why is our default to protect self instead of a child who needs us? Is it better for that child to struggle with spiritual darkness (if it exists) alone? And where would we be if our Father had chosen the easiest path? I realize this is a complex question, and not every parent is suited for every child. Knowing our limitations is a loving thing, and adoption can be very, very hard. Yet there's a fine line between healthy boundaries and selfishness. And I think it's a line worth exploring.

Also, I hate to state the obvious, but what about those ugly tendencies of your birth children? Maybe your grandfather was an alcoholic? Maybe your grandmother had bi-polar disorder? What about those family secrets no one mentions, because we feel tainted somehow by them? ALL children enter the world with spiritual baggage. That’s why parents are given -- to help wage war on a child's behalf. Maybe our God will move through us to help overcome the darkness a child would otherwise face alone? Or maybe He will use our adopted child to protect and grow our parental hearts somehow? That's how God tends to use the family dynamic, regardless of how He's woven it together.

3.) “Those orphans are happier than we think.”

It’s commonly suggested that orphaned kids are actually content with their surroundings. We are told that they are happy where they are, so we shouldn’t uproot them into our nice homes where they might cause problems for our birth kids.

Yes, adopted children often grieve when they leave the only world they have ever known. And some orphanages provide compassionate, encouraging care during a child's wait for a home. But some do not.

One little boy from Europe was terrified when he first felt the wind and saw the sun (at the age of four), because he had spent his entire life to that point sitting in a bed looking at a concrete wall. He was terrified when the car taking him away from the orphanage began to move, because he’d never felt motion. For those first few days, technically, he would have been ‘more content’ lying in the orphanage, because that was normal for him. Does that mean he was happy there?

In another country, children lie silently in rooms alone. They will not be fed, because they are sick and left to die. Though they are tiny and weak, they know somehow that their only hope is death.

All over the world, children in orphanages have lost the ability to cry (literally) because they know no one will come for them. Entire rooms are silent -- full of babies who have lost hope. And these babies wait in a country where the teaching of Jesus will never touch them. Some of them will be sexually or physically abused. They will live and die without hearing about Jesus. Is that happiness? Or is it resignation?

My niece couldn’t talk when she was first adopted, because she had a cleft lip and palate. She went into surgery several weeks after she was adopted. A family bond had grown quickly between them, and it was very hard for her mom, dad, and brothers to watch her go into that hospital. Her first word was spoken through a swollen, post-surgery upper lip. That word was “Mama.” She loved her Mama. She had needed one for a long, long time. Finally, a hole God had placed deep in her little soul was filled. And a hole God had placed deep in Mom, Dad, and brothers was filled too. God had completed something in all of them by making them a family.

4.) “If you aren’t careful, you will start to think ‘theologically’ instead of ‘realistically.’

I’ll have to admit I was baffled when I first heard this argument. Reading through the New Testament, I don't find my definition of ‘realistic’ stamped on everything God does.

One of the dangers of living in a wealthy, responsible, established hub of Christianity is that we can ignore the living voice of God if we aren’t careful. We have access to so many programs that equate ‘safety’ with ‘spiritual responsibility.’ Christian finance programs tell us how to die wealthy. Courtship resources tell us how to check off boxes and find the perfect mate. Ten-step programs tell us how to discover God’s will for everything we do.

Logic is certainly a gift from our Father that can guide us in many situations. There is wisdom in using this tool we’ve been given. But what if God’s ‘aliveness’ occasionally steps outside of what we expect? Are we willing to let our religion expand into a relationship?

Would the widow who gave her last mite ace a Christian investment program? Would Hosea or Ruth match up with conservative courtship standards? What about naked, preaching Isaiah ... walking around three years like that... would he pass a right-wing modesty checklist? And what about God our Father, who risked the perfect, safe, clean, holy family... Sacrificing His BELOVED Son... so that He adopt dirty me (with so many problems) as His child?

‘Theology’ and ‘reality’ are not opposites. ‘Idealism’ and ‘realism’ are opposites. This is very important to remember. A good theology will encompass times when God operates through logic AND when He calls us to seemingly depart from it.

Maybe I’m becoming too simplistic. But after closely watching the adoption of some friends’ children (and of my amazing niece), I guess I think the single most important question for an adoptive family is whether or not God is calling you to do it. Yes, God has given us reason as a tool. And we should use it. But over and again in His Word, God called His people into situations that looked risky or foolish from the observer’s viewpoint. And He can make such beautiful things happen in that soil.

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adoption is too hard (part 1)

I'd like to spend some time over the next few days thinking through some common reasons why families don't pursue adoption. Today's reasons are practical barriers, and they are the ones I hear mentioned most often when the topic arises. There are spiritual and emotional barriers as well, but I'll write about those later this week.

1.) adoption is too expensive
2.) adoption takes too long

ADOPTION IS TOO EXPENSIVE:

I wasn't a fan of the new Health Care Bill, but one good thing is that no matter how much money you make annually, there is now a $13,000 tax refund for adoptions. You can find it in the very last section of the bill. Click here to read a blog post about this.

Our family also got a matching grant from a wonderful organization called Life Song. Click here to see Life Song's website.. Not only did they match tax-deductible donations up to $4,000, but various companies will also match (or half-match) donations given to Life Song since they are a 501C3 and members of ECFA.

Show Hope also gave us a significant grant. This organization was started by Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife. Click here to see Show Hope's website. I'm a big fan of the shirts they are selling right now, because profits go toward other adoptive families.

Abba Fund offers a 0% interest adoption loan, which can help families with cash flow until the adoption tax credit kicks in. They have offered to help us, too. Click here to read about Abba Fund.

Many secular employers offer adoption grants for their employees. And many ministries like Campus Crusade and Young Life help their employees adopt through corporate adoption grants. Some cover $10,000-$15,000 of expenses.

One option we haven’t tapped into, but we would like to start to help other families is Both Hands. They offer programs that help with the needs of local widows while providing grants for orphaned kids. Click here to read about Both Hands. I wish every church in America would start one of these programs.

Because our process moved so fast, finances have been hard to juggle. But one advantage to that struggle is getting the chance to learn about all of these great organizations. Hopefully through our story, other families will see how God can provide for adoption despite a difficult financial situation, and they will gain courage. OR, if your family isn't adopting, maybe you can contribute to one of these great organizations or start a Both Hands chapter in your area to help others who are.

ADOPTION TAKES TOO LONG:

What you've heard is true. It’s super hard (for many reasons) to adopt a white, healthy, American infant - if that is your dream. Birth moms change their minds often, and open adoptions are dependent upon someone choosing you, etc. All of that can take years of heart wrenching ups and downs. (This is SO sad, considering how many children are aborted every year.)

However, millions of ethnic and minority babies are waiting for homes right now. Lots of toddlers and older kids need families as well. And tons of special needs kids (some with very minor needs) are waiting. We are still new to the adoption world, however, from what we have seen, some of the special needs children have actually received extra human touch and nurturing because of their physical limitations. So, although these kids might have an extra scar here or there, they might not have the same level of emotional damage as a child who has been left in a bed his/her whole life. That's not a fixed rule, of course. It's just an observation from my very limited viewpoint.

We have been shocked that our entire process (submitting our application to travel date) took only about a year! Of course we prayed for ten years first, but I'm talking about the paperwork. Even though that feels like forever, it has really been pretty fast! However, our preference was special needs, Asian, toddler all along. We've already had two babies, so I didn't have that itch. And we wanted a child that might have a hard time finding a family otherwise.

Another friend of mine just turned in her paperwork a few weeks ago, and they received their referral last week. So, sometimes this whole process can move lightning fast.

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a plan at last.

After several weeks of intense research, praying, and thinking, I think we finally have a plan established. International, RT flights are still holding around $1500. But until we get our TA, we can't bank on that. So, this is our three-tier plan depending on how flight costs land next week.

Plan A (first choice): Take the kids with us. We would probably do a round trip into and out of Hong Kong to save the extra Beijing costs. My brother lived in HK for several years, and he might have friends who would let us stay there.

Plan B (second choice): Bobby flies into and out of Hong Kong and stays with Moses for the whole trip. I would fly into and out of Beijing with the CCAI travel group, and stay with that group for the first part of the trip. (Bobby has already seen Beijing, and this would allow me to travel with companions.) I’d meet Bobby in Zhengzhou for ‘gotcha’, then fly home after a few days when he leaves for Guangzhou with Moses. We could go to the airport together with the CCAI group. This would mean Moses knows me when he comes home, I could help get the boys settled through the 'gotcha' transition, and that the kids at home would only have to be without one of us for a week.

Plan C (third choice): Bobby goes alone.

Last night I connected with another family who will probably be traveling with us. They seem like a really neat family, and they are Christians also. It feels great to just have a contact of some sort. For some reason, our travel group hadn't crossed my mind much, but I need to be praying for them as well. We're going to share a life-changing experience together. I can't wait to see who the Lord has planned for that.

Hoping for TA on Monday!!!

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toddler bonding

Vertigo is totally gone today. Hurrah!!

Before it hit yesterday, I spent some time looking for little toys/activities to pack for the trip. I've heard that for toddler adoption, packing toys is as important as packing clothing. Time spent playing together builds trust, and since bonding is basically trusting, play can be one key to a helpful transition.

I found some of those velcro hand pads and a ball that sticks to them, a beach ball, a bubble kit, a little Magna Doodle, and some Play-Doh. We already have some toy cars, Duplos, stickers, markers, crayons, a few books, watercolors, etc. And we had a cool "Peek-A-Boo" Bag that should provide entertainment during long waits.



I think our biggest 'find' was the little book in the top picture. I found it at Ross for $4. It's FULL of simple, portable ideas for toddlers, and the supplies needed are minimal. I'm definitely packing this to glean creative ideas when jetlag has zapped ours.

When JD was little, he had a backpack embroidered with our last name. So, it's getting washed and packed full of Moses' new toys.

I think I also found our necessary gifts for government officials yesterday. This can be a stresser, because there's so much symbolism that can be offensive in China. Parents are encouraged to avoid certain colors, numbers, and items that irritate cultural superstitions. It's a whole new world, literally.

We heard from a friend who read online that TA's won't be issued until late next week at the earliest. I hope that's a rumor. We are SOOOO close. We really don't want a delay to hit now!!

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Waiting for TA

Well, here it goes. The longest two weeks in history. :)

Some time in the next two weeks, we should get our Travel Approval. That is our official call to come pick up Moses.

There's a decent chance it will come this week, and I'm feeling that crazy sense of anticipation where your senses are super-hyped and ready for the phone to ring at every second. This morning I wrote the agency and gave them every phone number we have so they could call us as soon as it gets here.

We still don't know who will travel. We wrote Sue Sorrels, an adoption travel agent who is supposedly a master of finding the lowest fares possible. The agency says we have to fly in to Beijing and out of Guangzhou, and that will make a round-trip impossible, unless we can find a creative alternative.

I'm trying to plan for all of us going, two of us going, and just Bobby going. It's a little crazy not having a definite plan at this point, but we're doing the best we can with it.

Bobby already has some of those synthetic travel shirts you can wash out in the tub and hang to try overnight. Last time he was in China, the hotel charged a ton of money for laundry (like $5 to wash one pair of underwear), so washing stuff ourselves is imperative. I had trouble finding that quick-try techy material for women, but eventually I ran into a couple of shirts on deep sale at T.J. Maxx in the workout section. They are super lightweight and will pack teeny tiny. If I do go to China, one goal is minimizing the clothes we pack for ourselves to make room for supplies to take to orphanage kids in Beijing.

In particular, we hope to take some child-size colostomy bags to the folks at Morning Star Project. Click here to read about their work in China. So, if you know where to get those cheaply, or if you'd like to donate some, please give me a shout.

I found Moses a couple of pair of tennis shoes at Target this weekend. I have no idea what size to take, because his last foot length measurements were taken in March. I'm taking a cute pair of hand-me-down Crocs (size 6/7), and tennis shoes in size 7 and 8. I really hope at least one of those will fit.

I also bought a small pack of Pull-Ups, which I heard are good for the flight home, even if he is potty trained. (Supposedly the Chinese version leaks??) And I found a little picture board book of common English words. Maybe we can use it during the wait times and on the plane ride home.

We still need to find gifts for orphanage workers, tour guides, government officials, etc. I'm really hoping some of our adoptive friends will point us in the right direction on that, because I have no idea what is appropriate.

Thanks for taking the time to follow our journey. Prayers for a rapid TA, cheap plane tickets, and efficiency in the final details are needed. Also, we need to pray for little Moses, of course. He's about to face the biggest transition of his life so far. We hope the Lord will make it as gentle for him as possible.

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What are the odds?

This week our church is hosting a sports camp in one of our downtown schools. The goal has been to move into a community with love instead of expecting the community to come to us.

The kids in my group have had it rough. One of boys has never met his dad. Another suffers from a debilitating birth defect and lost his mom this past year. It's awful to think of the struggles they are going to have to face in life. The odds are clearly against them.

Playing with kids comes easy for me. So does loving them. Ministering to the deepest needs of their hearts does not. Deep needs take time, and I have suddenly just shown up in their emotional neighborhood, whispering hopes that are big, foreign, and hard to comprehend. These kids are small and sometimes slow. They have emotional defects and a low attention span. They get wiggly and restless when old tales are told, not understanding fully how they could fit into such big shoes.

Thank goodness for our youth minister, who is a former elementary teacher (AKA: a master of translation). Last night he segued with the life story of Wilma Rudolph. Brilliant.

Wilma had lots of health problems as a child, but she couldn't access fair treatment at a local hospital because she was an African American born before integration. When she contracted polio, it looked like she would never walk. But through the devoted care of her mom, and through personal dedication, she overcame her handicaps and became an athlete. She eventually won three Olympic gold medals.

Wilma beat the odds. That made sense in a soundbyte, and the kids got it. (Thanks, Mat!) Then we played ball, made paper megaphones, played more ball, and sat in the floor and ate a bunch of cookies. That made sense, too.

At the end of the night, we huddled up around the story of Gideon. I have heard that story many times, but it came to life in light of the night's focus.

Gideon had some pretty tough odds, too. He was leading Israel's army against Midian. Midian had 135,000 soldiers and Israel had 32,000. So basically, every Israelite would have to take out four Midianite soldiers. 'Sounds like a good time for some reinforcements.

But instead of beefing up the ranks, God said Israel had TOO MANY soldiers. (Seriously... too many?) So, He told everyone who was scared to go home, and 22,000 guys packed up. This left Israel 10,000 soldiers to fight 135,000.

God said that was too many still. (Seriously... too many still?) So He took them down to the water and sifted them. When He was done, there were only 300 left. 300 to fight 135,000.

What are the odds now? They are laughable. They are impossible. But God knew that His power shines the brightest when human odds stink.

Sports camp is supposed to encourage the kids who show up, and I really hope it did. But last night also had a pretty big impact on me.

Over and again through our adoption process, we haven't been adequate. We haven't had enough courage. We haven't had enough knowledge. We haven't had enough money. We haven't had enough room. We never seemed to have enough soldiers to fight Midian. And as the process moves forward, our emotional and physical resources continually seem ridiculous in the face of impossible challenges.

Yet, God has shown up in our neighborhood, whispering hopes that are big, foreign, and hard to comprehend. I am small and sometimes slow. I have emotional defects and a low attention span. I get wiggly and restless when the old tales are told, not understanding fully how I could fit into such big shoes. I just want to sit in the floor and eat cookies.

The odds are against me. But my God is big.

Maybe this is exactly how it's supposed to be.

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out of egypt.

Those of you who have been following our story know that our 13-year-old son picked out the name “Moses.” He started praying for his little brother by name every night last summer, before we even realized that boys in China needed homes. What we haven’t told you is why he chose that name.

A symbolic, spiritual answer seems fitting here, but I don’t have one. JD chose "Moses" because he wanted their dynamic duo to be known as: “John Dynamo and his Little Bro, Mo.”

Our friends have had different reactions to this name. Apart from Gwenyth Paltrow’s son, you just don't see it very often. "Moses" is not something you'll find embroidered on pillowcases in a Pottery Barn Kids catalogue.

Yet, the Lord hides lessons in unexpected places. And we've learned that He can even do that with a name birthed out of teenage wonder speak.

When you first start to develop a heart for orphans, it’s easy to embrace a ‘savior’ mentality. Why? Well, you see heart-wrenching YouTube videos and hear the awful stories about how these kids start life, so you are horrified. You want to get involved in liberating a child from a hopeless, abusive existence. You want to be the rescuer. Saving at least one child becomes the focus of your heart.

Yet, social workers and experts strongly discourage the ‘savior’ perception. They don’t want a child growing up feeling like a charity case, and that makes a lot of sense.

Maybe you have seen hovering, needy moms turning older adopted kids into objects. They nurse their own insecurities by making their identity as ‘adoptive mom’ central to most conversations. They do this in front of their children, and you can literally watch their kids wither as they listen.

The sensation I get while watching this exchange happen is almost one of bondage. The mom continually suggests that her child is indebted to his/her rescuer. It feels shameful. There is no dignity involved in this sort of relationship.

Bobby and I are still very new to adoption, so my reflections are green. But this bondage dynamic has been the total opposite of what we have experienced so far. Moses isn't even here yet, but we have still found a duality of salvation happening. Our child isn’t the only one being redeemed through this process. He is also being used by God to rescue his parents... perhaps to an even greater extent than what he is experiencing.

As I look back through the past year, I can see how God has already used our little Moses to lead me out of a thousand captivities. I used to confidently throw around the name of God while working for earthly masters. I was bound by political frustration, materialistic goals, and self-centered dreams. I was frightened because I might someday suffer, but I didn’t grieve because others are already suffering. I was too much like the parents in The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, myopic and self-indulgent, pursuing new toys while people were dying. I was too certain and too hard. I didn’t let the pain of the world penetrate my heart deeply enough.

Of course, I still have tons of room to grow and change. On the "Simmer v. Belly Flop Sin Continuum," I'm a belly flopper. I'm the sort of person who goofs up robustly, and I will tomorrow, and I will the next day.

However, because of Moses, I am no longer the same person now that I was before he was in my life. He's not even here yet, but he has already made me see and feel the whole world - and my role in it - so differently. I can't imagine how much more he will teach me after he arrives.

So rescue? Who is being rescued? Sure, I can give Moses a home. But he has given me the gift of sight in exchange. He has rooted my loyalty deeper into eternity. He has softened my callouses. He is loosening my grasp on foolish things, wooing me not with rules and demands... but with a smile so big his eyes disappear. He is unhinging thirty years-worth of captivity. He is transforming my "they" into "we". Moses is leading me out of Egypt.

At this point, in our relationship I am the debtor. He has already given me so much more than I can offer him. Perhaps someday God will help me return the favor, and we can be equals. But until then, thank you, Moses. I have needed you. And I need you still.

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for the love of horse dookie

Our garden was chosen as a test plot for a new fertilizer. Hundreds of pounds of black magic dirt arrived this week, and we got to spend a couple of hours learning gardening secrets from the fella who invented it. It was fascinating learning about how to maximize productivity in a small space.

Some friends of ours had a bale of old wire fence they no longer needed. When we rolled it out, it fit to the inch around our 30' x30' plot. We smiled because that's sort of the theme of our lives lately. So many of our needs are being met 'to the inch.' God is good to remind me of His observant care in simple, tactile ways.

I guess I shouldn't count our chickens before they hatch, but I'm excited at the thought of Moses wandering through the rows and helping him pick fresh vegetables. For a kid who has spent most of his life in a concrete room, I would think this could be a pretty cool experience.

As for the adoption, the visas arrived with no problem. Since the Article 5 arrived Thursday, we are now waiting for our TA, which should take 2-4 weeks. There's an online rumor that consulate appointments are bottlenecked until July 6, but when I asked CCAI, they hadn't experienced a problem yet. I continue to be glad we are adopting through them, because they just seem to move through the system better than a lot of other agencies. Maybe that's because they process so many Chinese adoptions?

Regardless, we need prayers for a rapid TA and consulate appointment. We'd really like to reach Moses before his birthday on July 8.

Today we're going to start moving furniture for Moses' bed. He and JD will share a room for a while. Since JD has been the main prayer warrior for his little brother all along, it just sort of fits. (He prayed every night for a little brother named Moses for months. This was when we didn't know China adopted boys out at all, so we thought these prayers were impossible.) Hopefully having a roommate will help Moses feel more secure in a new home, too.

Must run. Sorting and cleaning today. So much to do before travel.

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the fifth stack

While Bobby was folding clothes tonight he shook out a little pair of shorts I'd found at Goodwill for Moses. He said, "You know what this represents?"

"What?" I asked.

"The fifth stack!" he said.

It made me smile, because he was right. That fifth stack of folded clothes looked awfully good sitting on the coffee table. It's our 'quiver-full of arrows,' twenty-ten version.

- - -

Upon recommendation from a friend, I've been reading Milton Vincent's A Gospel Primer. In the past, I've always felt a little slow, because no matter how much in-depth theology I read, it seems like I still have to return to the rudimentary gospel on a regular basis. It's like returning to the surface for air: Jesus died for me, and because of this, my life was made new ... and is being made new.

Yet Vincent's work is helping me see how the gospel was intended to be more than a one-time thing for Christians. The ongoing exchange of Christ is central to my growth, and this one simple truth applies very practically to every area of my life. The life infusion Jesus offers exchanges my strivings (fears, bad habits, insufficiencies, failures) for rest.

The chapter that shook me up today was called "My Manifesto." Vincent writes: "Admittedly, I don't deserve to be a child of God, and I don't deserve to be free of sin's guilt and power. I don't deserve the staggering privilege of intimacy with God, or any other blessing that Christ has purchased for me with His blood. I don't even deserve to be useful to God."

"I don't even deserve to be useful to God."

That last statement hit me hardest, because as the last few weeks of our adoption process draw to a close, I find myself plagued with fears. What if something happens and everything falls through? After falling in love with this child, what if we are left with empty arms? What if paperwork gets lost? What if he is gravely hurt in the orphanage? What if one of us gets hurt too badly to travel? What if one of us becomes seriously ill so that the other government won't let us have him? And then ... what if no one else wanted to adopt him, because he's a toddler? Or what if someone adopted him who didn't love him? For someone with my personality, these sorts of possibilities can be paralyzing.

Fifteen years ago I had a miscarriage, and it broke my heart. So I don't speak lightly when I say that (for me) these adoption-loss fears have been even more intense than pregnancy fears of losing a baby living inside my body. I know what would happen if I lost a baby inside my body. The child would transition from an environment of warmth and love into a beautiful eternity with Jesus. I know I could find comfort in that truth at the end of grief and pain.

But I don't know what would happen to Moses if we lost the adoption. I couldn't be assured he would be safe in any aspect, most importantly spiritually. I know many of the horrors and dangers that he would face physically, and that knowledge stirs up a level of fear I have absolutely no words to describe.

I realized today that, in light of those dangers, I have felt justified in expecting that God would let me be "useful to Him" by adopting Moses. The presence of such fear is diagnostic of a heart that trusts my love and my will more than God's. In the midst of a 'good' pursuit, the mission has almost become more important to me than my Savior. Perhaps this is the universal temptation of motherhood.

I'm grateful for Vincent's reminder that it is a grace to be invited into God's work, but I am not doing something good for God. In His mercy, He might allow me the privilege of being a part of something beautiful that He is doing. But participating in redemption is not something I deserve. I cannot demand it. My "usefulness" is dependent solely upon God's calling and sustenance.

Soli Deo Gloria.

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trendy baby

A lot of moms hate them, but I think they are brilliant. Animal-shaped rubber bands. Silly Bandz are the "Why-didn't-I-think-of-that?" product of 2010. It's an idea so simple and so universally appealing, it couldn't help but storm every middle school in America.

Blame the kid in me, but when I see these things peeled off my kids' wrists at the end of the day, I'm still sort of amazed that they pop back into neon pink llamas or glow blue ducks. They spend all day stretched into a million functions, but at night they hold the shape of their original form. It's a trend that I can get excited about.

If you've had more than a few discussions about adoption, you've probably encountered people who call it a trend. That's a strange term for the Divine interweaving of a family. As an adoptive parent, it feels a little demeaning, even. However, I can see why people make that assumption.

There is a huge push toward adoption in the Christian community right now. Conferences, radio programs, websites, and books are encouraging families to take the leap, and families are listening. I haven't checked the stats, but the growth seems exponential.

As potential adoptive families have the chance to watch their friends go for it, a vague idea becomes reality before their eyes. As a result, fear and uncertainty wanes. Courage rises with familiarity.

Our family had been praying about adoption for about four years when we encountered an amazing kid from South America on JD's soccer team. That was six years ago. Knowing him pushed us forward some more, and we asked friends to start praying for our decision. Watching my brother and his wife adopt my niece a few years later gave us a chance to experience adoptive love firsthand. Suddenly, this wasn't just something other families did, it was something our family had done. As we felt the time was ripe, the embrace and guidance of local adoptive families shepherded the first wobbly steps of our journey. They have also become our brothers and sisters, holding up our arms when they were tired or scared. Each of these encounters has propelled us forward in our pursuit.

I don't have my eschatology nailed down to a science yet, but if we are truly winding toward the end of many things, a surge of energy for adoption seems to make an awful lot of sense. Go into all nations. Make disciples. Teach them to observe the commands of Christ.

Adoptive parents go into all nations. They make disciples. They teach them to observe the commands of Christ. Shouldn't we have been doing that for the past two thousand years? I think so.

What if a major part of fulfilling the final stages of the Great Commission involves the Father powerfully stirring up masses of His people to make sons and daughters from the uttermost ends of the earth? How beautiful to share the adoptive Fatherhood of God through the adoptive fatherhood of flesh.

Not only are families and children blessed beyond words, but the nationals who see this love are shown a physical manifestation of the gospel. I was an orphan. But I was made a son. This has not gone unnoticed. As one overseas observer commented, "These Christians. They love the children no one here would ever want. There's something different about them."

A fad? The term is too trite. But if it's a trend, it's brilliant. It's the "Why-didn't-I-think-of-that" mission of 2010 and beyond.
Christians en masse, stretching into the shape of loving new families, but retaining shape of their Father. I didn't understand any of this at the beginning, I just fell in love with a little boy halfway around the world. But if this is what's happening big picture, sign me up.

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the gift of arms' reach

The reality of what's getting ready to happen is finally sinking in today. For the past few months, I've tried so hard to keep my excitement in check. International adoption is an emotional marathon, and the wait can be excruciating. Mothers and children weren't made to be apart like this.

For many months I've been absorbed with paperwork and planning. Actually, that has been a subtle blessing, because these activities have helped occupy my mind and body. Becoming super efficient with document preparation was really all I could give him, so (like most adoptive moms) I did it with all my strength.

As I worked, my son grew silently in the womb of my heart. My working for him has stretched my life until I feel lonely without him.

At this point, we only have about seven weeks left. I'm done with all the paperwork I can do, so my job shifts now to nesting. Today I did some things I wouldn't give myself permission to do last month. Flipping through lots of kids storybooks and finding pants on sale. I bought little bitty underwear and socks today. Then I spent three hours shaving and bathing the dogs, getting them all cleaned up to visit friends when we go overseas.

It feels so good to do normal 'mom' things again. These are the same things I would do for Moses if he were sitting in my shopping cart or playing in the sunroom beside me. I'm not having to learn a whole new language of immigration forms or grant proposals. I'm not staring into a computer screen for hours doing research, or clicking through blogs trying to find out how to speed things up. I'm back into the realm of the familiar. Providing. Nurturing. Preparing. That feels so good. It feels so REAL.

I know that I'll forget a lot of things about this process, but I hope I never forget to be grateful for the gift of just being near my kids. The blessing of having a normal day at arms' reach. I can sense that on the horizon at last, and it's beautiful.

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