what happened before the phone rang

"I must not, like the quietists, reduce all religion to a denial of any specific action, despising all other means, since what makes perfection is God's order, and the means he ordains is best for the soul. No, we must set no bounds or limits or shape to the will of God.

We must accept any way he chooses to communicate with us and respect any way it pleases him to unite himself to others. Thus, all simple souls have but one general way, though specific and different in each one, which makes up the diversity of the mystical experience. All simple souls must admire and respect one another, saying: 'Let us proceed each one along our path to the same great goal, united in purpose and by means of God's order which, in its great variety, is in us all.' It is in this light that the lives of the saints and the spiritual books must be read, without ever being misled and going astray."

................................................................................... Jean-Pierre de Caussade (1675-1751)

This is what I was reading last night before the phone rang. I'm not sure I agree with everything Caussade wrote in this piece, but this particular quote struck me like a bolt.

Basically, Caussade is saying that we can't put a leash on God. The Father doesn't operate with a tight formula that we can predict or control. Instead, He uniquely ordains the lessons of every single life, tweaking His actions to fit the sovereign goodness of His mysterious but perfect will.

That was incredibly significant to me when I read it. At that moment, we had two hours left before we needed to make a decision about our flights to China. After months of agonizing about how that trip should happen, we were simply out of time. It was really starting to look like another opportunity to embrace the mysterious goodness of a God I can't control. I sighed as I read, digging through my spiritual stash, looking for another dose of trust. This was going to be tough.

Those of you who have been keeping up with this blog know how long I have felt like the kids needed to go. JD has had a heart for adoption since he was very small – maybe seven years old. When he first heard about the plight of orphans overseas, he started saving his money in a jar, asking if it would be enough to pay for bringing a brother home. Last summer, he was the one praying every night for Moses -- before we even knew boys in China were available for adoption. He is a kid who doesn’t ever seem to ‘want’ a lot. He is happy wearing quirky shirts from second hand shops, and he rarely asks for new gadgets. But he has wanted to be there with Moses more than any want I’ve ever seen in him.

Clara has been giddy for months, thinking about reading to her little brother and making him cookies. Also, she has been reading missionary biographies since she was little, so her desire to travel is strong.

Aside from all this, over the past few weeks we have been invited to connect with several orphan help programs during our adoption trip. The kids have been trying to hunt down medical supplies, and I really wanted them to have the chance to deliver those. I feel like if they could just see what is happening there, they will never be the same.

But despite all of this, it seemed like taking the family just wasn't going to work. When our CA arrived yesterday, Bobby came home to sort through numbers with me. Once again (for the 42nd time?) I felt myself handing these desires back to the Lord. It seemed like He must just have other plans, and that we would need to rest in those.

As the inevitable disappointment rose, I tried to grab onto something I had found in the Psalms yesterday morning. God didn't speak to me in a voice that I could hear, but I did keep running into one main concept as I read. "TRUST ME." It just felt like it was something I was supposed to embrace specifically for the day.

Trust comes hard for a driven, self-reliant person like me. I'm more comfortable with my own hands on the wheel, working hard, and finding a solution. But the situation was looking pretty hopeless as far as my own resources go. I thought it must be one of those times when I was going to have to learn to trust "despite." Those times are hard, but God works in them. I tried to steel myself.

When the adoption travel agent called, she warned us that flights were moving fast because a lot of students were returning home the week we were leaving. She found us a great deal on tickets, but we only had two hours to lock into those prices.

We pushed our dinner plates aside, got out a notebook, and wrestled with more numbers. No matter how we pushed them around, it wouldn't work. So, we walked out into the garden and looked for ripe zucchini, just praying and trying to clear our minds. We tried to sift through motives and temptations that might be influencing us either way, but in the end, we still weren't sure what to do. So, we came back to the kitchen table and prayed some more. We just needed clear direction so we could obey.

The phone rang, and it was a dear man we know from Singapore. He told us that God had put Moses on his (and his wife's) heart, and that he was sending more than enough funding for the kids AND me to go on the 'gotcha' trip.

Several days ago, I had established a private, bare minimum amount that I was secretly praying for God to provide. That prayer number wasn't large enough to cover our trip in full, but it was all I could find the courage to pray for. Still, it seemed too much to expect. However, what this couple was offering was double that amount. DOUBLE.

I want to be very careful as I write this post. Caussade's words remind us about the dangers of trying to turn God into some sort of vending machine. Many Bible teachers promise Result X if you perform Spiritual Action Y. Like pagans sacrificing to a carved deity, we look for sacrifices strong enough to steer our fate. We try to keep God two-dimensional and limited by easy answers, so that we can control Him. And we idolize teachers who promise the ease we crave.

But sometimes His plans differ from ours, and we don't understand why. In those times we are stripped of any sense of control, and we may find ourselves searching for meaning in circumstances that seems suffocating and pointless. We can start to wonder if maybe God doesn't love us as much as someone else, or if He isn't really there after all. It can be lonely and frightening when the mystery of God is more evident than His miracles. Like C.S. Lewis says, He is good, but He isn't always safe.

But as Caussade writes: "[t]he means He ordains is best for the soul. No, we must set no bounds or limits or shape to the will of God." We must trust Him in the dark. And we must trust Him in the light.

For some reason last night, it was in His perfect plan to give us a taste of His lavish, tangible abundance. I don't know why. I am humbled beyond words, and I am absolutely overwhelmed with gratitude.

Thank you for praying with us over the past few months. You have groaned and petitioned with us, and we are so grateful.

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CA! CA! CA!

We just got our consulate appointment! We will be leaving the 14th!!!

Now, we just need prayers for cheap plane tickets and hotel bargains.

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still waiting.

Well, we are still waiting for that consulate appointment. It’s tough to be so close and yet so far away. It could also be a little scary, if I let it go there. A long list of "what if's" is knocking on my door tonight. I feel like we've rationed out our courage and energy to run a marathon, and now we have to run a few more miles at the very end.

I've had a headache most of the day, just from being worn out. There are so many decisions to make about travel, but they are all on hold until we know something definite. If we knew when we were leaving, we could make alternate summer plans, but we have to keep the schedule open. It's like holding your breath for days.

HOWEVER, it hit me tonight that maybe this wait is good practice for parenting a child who has been institutionalized for most of his life? There are likely to be many issues down the road where I want results quickly. But a toddler who has never lived in a home before is not going to just adjust at the snap of my fingers because I am exhausted and ready for him to "shape up." Realistically, we will probably face challenges that are a lot more exhausting than this awful wait.

So, I'm trying to pray tonight that God will use this time to discipline and strengthen my heart, and that He will teach me patience and trust. Maybe He will use this time to help me grow in emotional fortitude before our son gets here, so that I'm more patient when the real challenges arise? After all he's been through, Moses needs a mother who is steady and calm.

It's awfully hard, though. I'm not going to lie. I think it's the hardest thing so far.

Hugs to everyone waiting and loving Moses with us. Maybe we will know something tomorrow. And until we do know more of what's in store, the Lord does. I'm so glad He has a plan, even if I don't understand it.

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packing list

Our official TA arrived Friday, and we have been assigned to travel group 1596. Another family from that travel group is leaving on July 7th, which is NINE days from today. NINE. DAYS!!!!!

We won't know until today or tomorrow whether our consulate appointment will allow us to leave the seventh, or whether we will get bumped back another week.

This weekend I rummaged through several suggested packing lists. I never would have thought that some of these supplies were necessary, so I'm thankful that other parents who have "been there, done that" took the time to help the rest of us. Still, I'm nervous. I've heard that there's nothing like walking into a Chinese Wal-Mart desperately needing "Product X", and finding that every sign is in another language, and that most of the products are foreign. How do you prepare for a plethora of possible needs, in luggage under 45 pounds?

I can already tell that this adventure will make me more compassionate to visiting internationals and to people who are illiterate. Being able to read/speak the language of those around you is such a massive blessing.

We still don't know who will travel. I feel like I have been in almost constant prayer for months about this, but it remains incredibly difficult to know how to make this decision. We really need the Lord to show us what would bring Him the most glory.

One of my favorite Bible verses is Psalm 16:6.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

Over and again in my life, God has used this verse to show me that His limitations are trustworthy. And I know that this will prove true again. But where should we place our feet? I still don't know. Do we follow the pulling of our heart in faith? Or do follow the pulling of our minds in stewardship? What does obedience look like in this situation?

Yesterday Bobby and I wrestled with some numbers and decided again that he would go alone. Honestly, I was sad, but I tried to choose contentment because of Psalm 16:6. The Lord has just revealed Himself too many times throughout this process for me to doubt Him now.

When I woke up this morning, though, I felt restless. I'm still not sure we found the right solution. It's just a very confusing time.

We have been offered a place to stay in one private orphanage in Beijing, and we have been invited to visit another. I really want our birth kids to see these places, so that the needs there can simmer inside them. American teenagers can become so self-absorbed. I want my kids to understand the magnitude of the world's needs and feel personally connected to them.

Another confusing factor... our growing hearts for Asia. It's the strangest thing. Lately when I run into people with Asian faces, I feel an ache in my chest. I want to know them. I want to spend time with them. It's hard to describe. I feel the same way about Asian art and music. It's sort of like there is a little string sewn into the edge of my heart, and it's just pulling me toward something. It's almost like the feeling you get when you see something really beautiful and you want to go touch it. Or like that sadness you feel when you've lost something you've loved.

I don't know if that's a calling or not. I don't know what it means about our lives or this trip. I do have a strong imagination, and I don't want to assign feelings to God that are originating in my mind. (I have done that in the past.) But I can't seem to shake it, either. And I think that part of the reason I want to take the kids is to test those waters. What does it 'feel like' to parent three kids in Asia for a few days? How does that resonate with the ache inside me? What do WE look like THERE?

Prayers for wisdom would be really great. If my pediatric books sell, we would go. And it would be reasonable to hear back from the hospital this week. Or, if God wants us to just step out in faith, we are willing to do that, too. But we'd just like some sort of confirmation that this is a move of faith and not a move of self-determination. One of my biggest fears is the temptation of masking my own desires with God's name. I want to follow Him, not use Him to get my own wants met. So thanks for praying that we would be humble, honest, obedient, and protected from temptation.

Despite all of this confusion, I want to take time to simply be thankful. Our son will be home soon. We will be able to show him a blue sky for the first time in his life. He will see grassy fields where he can run. We will go to the library and learn about the big world waiting for him. He will snuggle up for a bedtime story and evening prayers. He will be in a room full of people singing God's praise for the first time in his life. I'm absolutely overwhelmed with gratitude for that. We love you, Moses!!

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